Emotional Swirling

So it’s been about three weeks since it ended with Matt. We’ve only spoken on the phone once since it happened. I’m trying to get over it, but it’s a long process. I’m not entirely mopey all the time, but I’m still incredibly anxious most days. I waffle between feeling anxious and feeling really renewed and ready for the next chapter in my life.

A lot of things are changing for me, not just my relationship status. I’m working at a good company that will allow me benefits and time off. It pays more than I’ve ever made before (which is not saying much at all, I’ve been working retail and temping for crying out loud). Soon, I hope to move out of my parents’ house and live on my own. I really look forward to be able to take care of myself, all by myself. I’ve always had family or roommates or a boyfriend to rely on. Now’s my chance to be totally independent. I hope to be out of my parents’ house by January.

I’ve also signed up for some more improv classes, which I did in LA. I’m really excited because it’s something I like to do and am decently good at. It’s also a great way to make friends! I could really use some more in town.

I’m signing up for a lot of classes since I’ve got so much damn free time now. I really want to pack my new year with a lot of stuff just keep my mind off things and keep moving forward personally. I’m trying to figure out my emotions and why I feel the way I do about myself.

One thing I know about myself is that I flip flop between having really high self-esteem and crippling insecurity. I’ve never been fully confident in a relationship because I’m not fully confident in myself. I’m trying to work on that. I really want to be a good partner and to be with someone who values me too. I do think I learned a lot from dating Matt and I really thought he was good for me. He just never felt the same about me. It’s hard for me to reconcile that in my mind. I had such genuine feelings for him and I honestly thought he felt the same.

It’s all a big change for me. This month has been an emotional whirlwind. I hate it. I don’t like to feel this way. I’m a pretty even-keeled person and this is driving me bonkers.

November 28, 2014. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Breakin’ Up

Well, not entirely out of nowhere, Matt and I have broken up. It’d be more accurate to say that he broke up with me. I’m not happy about it and I’m still reeling from it. It’s been two days and my emotional state is fucked. We’re supposed to talk on the phone tomorrow and I can very well back out of it but that seems like a little bitch move. I think I need to man up and say what’s on my mind rather than not face what’s in front of me.

I genuinely loved Matt in the purest and simplest way. It wasn’t hard for me, but he could never get through this barrier in his own head. I think he’s so smart, interesting, and he pushed me in ways I never had been before. Now I’m back to being alone and I feel completely and utterly lost. It’s been a hard hit.

As much as I would like him to tell me he made a huge mistake tomorrow I know he won’t. He’s not the type of person to change his mind. He’s too logical. Emotions aren’t logical and I can’t help they way I feel about him still.

November 9, 2014. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Being More Open

Matt and I have had our hills and valleys but are still going strong. We had a major upset about a month ago where we had some problems because when there’s conflict I really close up. I completely shut down because I get too afraid he’ll break up with me. It just adds to a vicious cycle because I’m so afraid of a potential break up, he’ll be more likely to break up with me. Thankfully, we worked it out and everything feels really good right now.

I’ve met his parents twice now and I’m going to a family wedding with him in about two months. We’re still trying to figure out the right balance of time we spend together because I work long hours and I live with my parents right now. I spend a lot of time at his place, but sometimes you just need your own time alone. Sometimes you want to sit in your gross sweatpants and watch dumb movies by yourself.

Matt pushes me and that what I like best about him. In my past relationships, I’ve shut down when conflict arises and in the end it helps nothing. I’m actively trying because I really care about him and I think he makes me better.

October 26, 2014. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Dem Other Girls

Things with Matt have been a weird and great whirlwind. He flew out to ride back home with me. The trip had its weird moments, but now that we’re in the same space things have been going well. He’s met my brother and I’ve met a lot of his friends. His friends are nice and far more welcoming than TJ’s friends ever were, which wasn’t hard as they were huge douchebags.

I like Matt because he forces me to think about my feelings and why I feel that way. I’m far more jealous than I care to admit and Matt has a lot of girl friends who are all really pretty and cool. He has this one friend, let’s call her Katie, who is totally batshit crazy. Not like, certifiably insane, but super insecure, neurotic, and desperate for male attention. Matt had originally wanted to date her, but she turned him down. They remained friends and now he realizes she’s super crazy and dramatic. She’s one of those girls who gets into a friend group, causes a bunch of drama, then moves on to the next friend group.

So I met Katie and she was pretty but I didn’t think she was very easy to talk to. I could tell she probably had a crush on Matt because he’s a nice guy and is good looking. The instance in which I met her was when she was on a date with some random guy. She had wanted Matt and I to stop by her date and say hello under the guise of scoping this guy out. Which, what the fuck, you’re a grown adult and you can go on a date by yourself. I told Matt that I didn’t want to do that (BECAUSE THAT IS FUCKING STUPID) and we went to dinner elsewhere. Katie got mad and stopped by with her date where we were having dinner. The guy was really nice and good looking, totally dateable by my standards.

But here comes the problem: after Katie met me she decided that she needed to proclaim her affections for Matt. Girl wanted what she didn’t want but saw someone else with it and decided she wanted it. It’s stupid and super dumb. Even if you feel that way, grown adults don’t go admitting it unless it’s a good time for both parties. Matt had to tell her they were just friends, just short of telling her he wouldn’t date her even if he were single.

I like Matt. Things are good and I’m glad he told me that happened because I suspected she had a thing for him. He debated telling me because it’s right within her wheelhouse of liking him one day because she can’t have him and then being obsessed with some other guy. Which, I appreciate him not wanting me to worry about something that could have been nothing. I understand that. I get that. I’ve been in similar situations. He’s been honest with me about his feelings and he makes me think of the reasoning behind my own feelings and vocalizing it even though I have hard time getting started. It’s nice to be in an emotionally open relationship for a change.

August 23, 2014. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

A Strange Turn of Events

Life is weird. Life is weird because I made the solid decision to move home and start over. Life is weird in that because of this decision Matt is flying out to LA to ride back with me. This all very strange and thrilling and I’m very excited about all of it.

So far, things have been very good between us. We’re making it work for the time being and I’m so excited for him to be here and show him my life. But getting to know someone brand new is sometimes uncomfortable because your initial image of them isn’t who they really are. Not because they’re shady or weird, but that’s just how people are. People are unexpected and your perception of them changes as you get to know them. Matt hasn’t dropped any major bombs on me, but there are things that do come up that make me uncomfortable. He’s friends with this woman and I feel like their relationship is a little too much like they’re dating, but he’s been really reassuring that there’s nothing romantical going on. I have to remind myself that I have many dude friendships so it’s probably similar. Must. Stop. Being. Insecure.

I’m very excited about Matt. He seems like a total gamechanger to me. I’ve never felt this way before and I really like it.

July 12, 2014. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Better Than Expected

So I met up with that OKC guy, let’s call him Matt, when I was home and let me just say that it was nothing short of amazing. He had broken up with the girl he was dating sometime before and we had an actual date and we hit it off so well. I’m very excited about what will happen in the future. I’ve more or less decided to move home to be closer to my family in the coming month or so and he might ride back with me.

After seeing him four of the six days I was home, we decided to try an exclusive long distance relationship for at least a month. Since I’m more committed to moving home now, we should be fine. The month allows us to decide if we want to keep doing this and allows me time to decide if moving home is the correct decision (which I had already been pretty much there before we met) and to get my things in order. The only reason I would stay now is if some sort of amazing dream job appeared, but I don’t think that’s necessarily going to happen.

From the moment I met Matt, I felt like something was different. He’s very easy to be around and I feel really comfortable with him. He is cute, active, and super smart. He hits all the checkmarks that I’ve previously posted about. Age, height, job, everything. He’s also much more sentimental and open than other guys I have dated and it’s something I realize I’ve needed. He’s so positive and has a bright outlook on life and I need someone who makes me want to be better. I tend to be a gigantic raincloud and I want to not be like that anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, despite how great he is, the distance makes it VERY hard to start a relationship. It’s awkward and you don’t really know the person. We’re figuring it out and so far it’s working. I’m very into him. He’s into me. He met me at the airport before my flight out and brought me a bag of treats and wrote me the sweetest note.

June 5, 2014. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Not Weird

Back in the fall I was messaging this guy at home in Indiana on OkCupid just to see what was out there. I’m still not totally packed in, that slight ever glimmer of hope still lingers. This guy seemed cool and we’ve been messaging back and forth for a few months now. Around Christmas he told me he was dating someone and I appreciated that disclosure. He still seemed cool so we continued to text each other in a friendly way, talking mainly about music and TV. Haven’t once brought up anything romantical or questionable.

I’m going home for a trip tomorrow and we’re intending to meet up. I’m excited to make a new friend. I’m not sure if he’s still dating that girl, but if he is I have no intention of doing anything to compromise that. I intend on showing him that I am so amazing that he’ll want to dump her immediately via text or something. By amazing, I mean I’m disgruntled and bitchy. But seriously, I’m super cool and adorable! A delightful imp, if you will.

All of my friends are telling me that hanging out with this guy is weird. I don’t think so. I think he and I have established a solid understanding of each other and I’m not in the mood to cause problems for other people. He might see me as a sad person who needs friends, which is an accurate assumption. If I do move home, I will definitely need friends. I don’t feel weird about this in the slightest for some reason. I’m a very anxious and awkward person, so this is refreshing. There’s no pressure to try and bang him and I have a new person I can regale with my hilarious stories.

Who knows what will happen? Maybe he’ll bail on me like I did at Christmas (cold weather means this bish ain’t going nowhere). Maybe he’s butt uggs.  Maybe he’ll have broken up with that girl and is single and we can just do some yolo-y shit, like run off on some sort of expedition. That would be simply amazing.

May 20, 2014. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Respectable Bro’s, Catcalling Ain’t For You

Lately, I’ve become the victim of needless catcalling. From whom the bell tolls? Some trashy muthafucks, that’s who. The only dudes who catcall are of the most disgusting varietal. For me, it’s all cholo youths. Any dude who catcalls is not worth anyone’s time. They are not cool, desperate as fuck, and most likely conservative. Trust me, I’ve date some gross bros before and any of them who would consider catcalling is a stiff pass. Homegirl ain’t got time for that. Plus, if you’re sixteen, please take another hard gander at this aged visage. I’m 27. I’m a feminist. I don’t have time for this grime.

May 19, 2014. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Online Dating Hesitations

I’ve been pondering signing up for online dating for another official go-round. Specifically, I’m looking at Tinder. People can be judgmental about Tinder and how it’s all about appearance. But really, that doesn’t make it any different than OkCupid. I never click on guys unless they’re at least reasonably attractive to me. I’m sure that’s how most people function too. We’re all attracted to looks first, especially through the lens of the anonymous internet.

My trepidation about Tinder is this:  I’m afraid I’ll see my neighbors on it. Tinder functions via location-based technology and who is closer than the people who live right next door to me? Since I already threw myself at my one neighbor, I’d be horrified if he or one of his roommates saw me on it and that sat there, on the other side of this wall, snickering to themselves. I already feel enough like an idiot about it, I don’t need that extra shame. SHAAAAMMEEEE. I also haven’t set my OKC account to LA because I’m afraid I’ll see TJ or his roommates on it, which also fills me with shame. I can’t date people because then I get all weird about seeing their roommates. I’m awkward as fuck.

Online dating is still an odd animal. It’s lost a lot of the negative stereotypes, but as someone who sort of rails against technology and still wants real human interaction, I keep trying to meet someone organically. However, I’m a huge shut-in loser at the moment, so nothing’s really working for me. CONUNDRUM.

May 6, 2014. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Finding Solace in the Stats

The statistics for someone getting married in their lifetime, at least once, is something close to 90%. That statistic doesn’t include the age range, but the majority of people in this world will get married at one point in their life. As a single 27 year-old with absolutely no prospects in sight, I try to keep this in mind when I think in the long term of my life. I would much prefer to get married while I’m still young, but I know that I will eventually get married barring some sort of early death.

I take comfort in these stats because I have a lot of things I still want to accomplish in my life such as living abroad, refurbishing my own house, living without roommates, owning a cute pup, and just being able to do whatever I like. I like the freedom to change my mind and figure out where I belong without having to deal with that person’s existential crisis. I have my own perpetual crisis to deal with!

The big problem I find with marrying young is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life still in broad terms. I would like to do so many things and it would be rude of me to tie someone else to my whims. I wouldn’t want someone to take backseat to my desires when I wouldn’t do the same for them. I tried that with TJ and after we broke up I realized that I was incredibly unfulfilled. It didn’t help that he wasn’t the most open and emotional person.

So as I continue to figure my shit out, I remind myself that one day I may actually get married. Until that time I can feed my every whim.

April 27, 2014. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

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