I have already quit Tinder. It really is quite addictive and you do feel like you’re always seeking out the next best thing. That’s how it was for me, anyway. I’m not saying Tinder is bad by any means, I think it’s got a lot of really great aspects, but I just couldn’t take it with the obsessives swiping I was doing. So I gave my number to the guys I was most interested in and we’ll see where those lead. If they all fall through, I’ll probably get back on. I just couldn’t keep doing it like I was.
I have a second date tonight with the guy from last Friday. Let’s call him Justin. He’s on his way now to meet me so we can go to the state fair. It’s definitely not love, but I said yes anyway. He’s a nice enough guy and we had fun together, but when I met Matt I felt this instant connection. He ended up being a real douche, but I still felt it.
I have another date tentatively planned for Monday with a guy, let’s call him Jameson. He said he had been on Tinder for seventeen months. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, MAN. What’s the point of even having it if you’re not using it? He told me he’s only been on one Tinder date this year, but didn’t say anything about other dates. Let’s just say I’m not going into that date with any sort of romantic expectation. I’m assuming it’ll be more of a hang out. A lot of these dates are hang outs, where nothing feels slightly romantic.
The real tragedy of this whole thing is that when I deleted my Tinder I neglected to reach out to the super hot professional lumberjack I had matched with. IF YOU SEE THIS BRIAN, GET AT ME. I STILL WANT YOU TO CARVE ME THAT BEAR.
It’s been a super long time since I’ve updated this blog, but that’s because for a lot that time nothing was going on! I was living in my parents’ house, feeling sorry for myself because Matt dumped me. I received a text from him around January saying he would get the books I loaned him back if I wanted them. I said I didn’t need them, but now regret that decision because I am never getting those books back.
Anyway! Back to the real juice of my life. I recently signed up for Tinder, and let me tell you, it is nowhere near as exciting or ego boosting as I had hoped. I have had 4 dates from it so far, and they’ve all been duds. My most recent one, which was on Friday, was the most promising. Had drinks and dinner at this dumpy bar and went back to my place and banged. Some of the worst sex I’ve ever had. He’s texted me some, but I really didn’t expect to hear from him. I got the feeling he uses the app purely for hookups, which is fine but not what I’m interested in. I know, dear reader, that you are sitting there shaking your head going “This girl’s an idiot! What did she think Tinder was for?” but Tinder works surprisingly well for people who are in their 30’s. (Which I just turned 29, so close enough.) It’s hard to find someone who is single in their late 20’s in Indiana. People marry young here.
Tinder has its perks because it does move quickly. If someone messages you and you don’t meet up within a few days, you drop it. It’s good to get the physical meeting out of the way, because it is really where you feel the connection. Of the four guys I’ve met, two have looked wildly not like their pictures. It’s not like they were horribly ugly, but it’s hard to get over the feeling that you were fooled a bit. Since they didn’t look like I thought they would AT ALL, it was easy for me to pick up and move on after our dates. They also were aware that it didn’t go that well and haven’t reached out to me either.
One of my dates was actually a friend of a friend. We had a a good date and had made vague plans to hang out again. He travels a lot for work, so I haven’t been super anxious to hang out again, but way too much time has passed. If he had wanted to hang out at all again he would have messaged me. It’s a little disappointing because I had left with a smile and good feeling at the end, but he must have not been that into it.
I’m not sure how long I’ll be using Tinder, but I expect not very much longer. You can only take so much disappointment.
So it’s been about three weeks since it ended with Matt. We’ve only spoken on the phone once since it happened. I’m trying to get over it, but it’s a long process. I’m not entirely mopey all the time, but I’m still incredibly anxious most days. I waffle between feeling anxious and feeling really renewed and ready for the next chapter in my life.
A lot of things are changing for me, not just my relationship status. I’m working at a good company that will allow me benefits and time off. It pays more than I’ve ever made before (which is not saying much at all, I’ve been working retail and temping for crying out loud). Soon, I hope to move out of my parents’ house and live on my own. I really look forward to be able to take care of myself, all by myself. I’ve always had family or roommates or a boyfriend to rely on. Now’s my chance to be totally independent. I hope to be out of my parents’ house by January.
I’ve also signed up for some more improv classes, which I did in LA. I’m really excited because it’s something I like to do and am decently good at. It’s also a great way to make friends! I could really use some more in town.
I’m signing up for a lot of classes since I’ve got so much damn free time now. I really want to pack my new year with a lot of stuff just keep my mind off things and keep moving forward personally. I’m trying to figure out my emotions and why I feel the way I do about myself.
One thing I know about myself is that I flip flop between having really high self-esteem and crippling insecurity. I’ve never been fully confident in a relationship because I’m not fully confident in myself. I’m trying to work on that. I really want to be a good partner and to be with someone who values me too. I do think I learned a lot from dating Matt and I really thought he was good for me. He just never felt the same about me. It’s hard for me to reconcile that in my mind. I had such genuine feelings for him and I honestly thought he felt the same.
It’s all a big change for me. This month has been an emotional whirlwind. I hate it. I don’t like to feel this way. I’m a pretty even-keeled person and this is driving me bonkers.
Well, not entirely out of nowhere, Matt and I have broken up. It’d be more accurate to say that he broke up with me. I’m not happy about it and I’m still reeling from it. It’s been two days and my emotional state is fucked. We’re supposed to talk on the phone tomorrow and I can very well back out of it but that seems like a little bitch move. I think I need to man up and say what’s on my mind rather than not face what’s in front of me.
I genuinely loved Matt in the purest and simplest way. It wasn’t hard for me, but he could never get through this barrier in his own head. I think he’s so smart, interesting, and he pushed me in ways I never had been before. Now I’m back to being alone and I feel completely and utterly lost. It’s been a hard hit.
As much as I would like him to tell me he made a huge mistake tomorrow I know he won’t. He’s not the type of person to change his mind. He’s too logical. Emotions aren’t logical and I can’t help they way I feel about him still.
Matt and I have had our hills and valleys but are still going strong. We had a major upset about a month ago where we had some problems because when there’s conflict I really close up. I completely shut down because I get too afraid he’ll break up with me. It just adds to a vicious cycle because I’m so afraid of a potential break up, he’ll be more likely to break up with me. Thankfully, we worked it out and everything feels really good right now.
I’ve met his parents twice now and I’m going to a family wedding with him in about two months. We’re still trying to figure out the right balance of time we spend together because I work long hours and I live with my parents right now. I spend a lot of time at his place, but sometimes you just need your own time alone. Sometimes you want to sit in your gross sweatpants and watch dumb movies by yourself.
Matt pushes me and that what I like best about him. In my past relationships, I’ve shut down when conflict arises and in the end it helps nothing. I’m actively trying because I really care about him and I think he makes me better.
Things with Matt have been a weird and great whirlwind. He flew out to ride back home with me. The trip had its weird moments, but now that we’re in the same space things have been going well. He’s met my brother and I’ve met a lot of his friends. His friends are nice and far more welcoming than TJ’s friends ever were, which wasn’t hard as they were huge douchebags.
I like Matt because he forces me to think about my feelings and why I feel that way. I’m far more jealous than I care to admit and Matt has a lot of girl friends who are all really pretty and cool. He has this one friend, let’s call her Katie, who is totally batshit crazy. Not like, certifiably insane, but super insecure, neurotic, and desperate for male attention. Matt had originally wanted to date her, but she turned him down. They remained friends and now he realizes she’s super crazy and dramatic. She’s one of those girls who gets into a friend group, causes a bunch of drama, then moves on to the next friend group.
So I met Katie and she was pretty but I didn’t think she was very easy to talk to. I could tell she probably had a crush on Matt because he’s a nice guy and is good looking. The instance in which I met her was when she was on a date with some random guy. She had wanted Matt and I to stop by her date and say hello under the guise of scoping this guy out. Which, what the fuck, you’re a grown adult and you can go on a date by yourself. I told Matt that I didn’t want to do that (BECAUSE THAT IS FUCKING STUPID) and we went to dinner elsewhere. Katie got mad and stopped by with her date where we were having dinner. The guy was really nice and good looking, totally dateable by my standards.
But here comes the problem: after Katie met me she decided that she needed to proclaim her affections for Matt. Girl wanted what she didn’t want but saw someone else with it and decided she wanted it. It’s stupid and super dumb. Even if you feel that way, grown adults don’t go admitting it unless it’s a good time for both parties. Matt had to tell her they were just friends, just short of telling her he wouldn’t date her even if he were single.
I like Matt. Things are good and I’m glad he told me that happened because I suspected she had a thing for him. He debated telling me because it’s right within her wheelhouse of liking him one day because she can’t have him and then being obsessed with some other guy. Which, I appreciate him not wanting me to worry about something that could have been nothing. I understand that. I get that. I’ve been in similar situations. He’s been honest with me about his feelings and he makes me think of the reasoning behind my own feelings and vocalizing it even though I have hard time getting started. It’s nice to be in an emotionally open relationship for a change.
Life is weird. Life is weird because I made the solid decision to move home and start over. Life is weird in that because of this decision Matt is flying out to LA to ride back with me. This all very strange and thrilling and I’m very excited about all of it.
So far, things have been very good between us. We’re making it work for the time being and I’m so excited for him to be here and show him my life. But getting to know someone brand new is sometimes uncomfortable because your initial image of them isn’t who they really are. Not because they’re shady or weird, but that’s just how people are. People are unexpected and your perception of them changes as you get to know them. Matt hasn’t dropped any major bombs on me, but there are things that do come up that make me uncomfortable. He’s friends with this woman and I feel like their relationship is a little too much like they’re dating, but he’s been really reassuring that there’s nothing romantical going on. I have to remind myself that I have many dude friendships so it’s probably similar. Must. Stop. Being. Insecure.
I’m very excited about Matt. He seems like a total gamechanger to me. I’ve never felt this way before and I really like it.
So I met up with that OKC guy, let’s call him Matt, when I was home and let me just say that it was nothing short of amazing. He had broken up with the girl he was dating sometime before and we had an actual date and we hit it off so well. I’m very excited about what will happen in the future. I’ve more or less decided to move home to be closer to my family in the coming month or so and he might ride back with me.
After seeing him four of the six days I was home, we decided to try an exclusive long distance relationship for at least a month. Since I’m more committed to moving home now, we should be fine. The month allows us to decide if we want to keep doing this and allows me time to decide if moving home is the correct decision (which I had already been pretty much there before we met) and to get my things in order. The only reason I would stay now is if some sort of amazing dream job appeared, but I don’t think that’s necessarily going to happen.
From the moment I met Matt, I felt like something was different. He’s very easy to be around and I feel really comfortable with him. He is cute, active, and super smart. He hits all the checkmarks that I’ve previously posted about. Age, height, job, everything. He’s also much more sentimental and open than other guys I have dated and it’s something I realize I’ve needed. He’s so positive and has a bright outlook on life and I need someone who makes me want to be better. I tend to be a gigantic raincloud and I want to not be like that anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, despite how great he is, the distance makes it VERY hard to start a relationship. It’s awkward and you don’t really know the person. We’re figuring it out and so far it’s working. I’m very into him. He’s into me. He met me at the airport before my flight out and brought me a bag of treats and wrote me the sweetest note.
Back in the fall I was messaging this guy at home in Indiana on OkCupid just to see what was out there. I’m still not totally packed in, that slight ever glimmer of hope still lingers. This guy seemed cool and we’ve been messaging back and forth for a few months now. Around Christmas he told me he was dating someone and I appreciated that disclosure. He still seemed cool so we continued to text each other in a friendly way, talking mainly about music and TV. Haven’t once brought up anything romantical or questionable.
I’m going home for a trip tomorrow and we’re intending to meet up. I’m excited to make a new friend. I’m not sure if he’s still dating that girl, but if he is I have no intention of doing anything to compromise that. I intend on showing him that I am so amazing that he’ll want to dump her immediately via text or something. By amazing, I mean I’m disgruntled and bitchy. But seriously, I’m super cool and adorable! A delightful imp, if you will.
All of my friends are telling me that hanging out with this guy is weird. I don’t think so. I think he and I have established a solid understanding of each other and I’m not in the mood to cause problems for other people. He might see me as a sad person who needs friends, which is an accurate assumption. If I do move home, I will definitely need friends. I don’t feel weird about this in the slightest for some reason. I’m a very anxious and awkward person, so this is refreshing. There’s no pressure to try and bang him and I have a new person I can regale with my hilarious stories.
Who knows what will happen? Maybe he’ll bail on me like I did at Christmas (cold weather means this bish ain’t going nowhere). Maybe he’s butt uggs. Maybe he’ll have broken up with that girl and is single and we can just do some yolo-y shit, like run off on some sort of expedition. That would be simply amazing.
Lately, I’ve become the victim of needless catcalling. From whom the bell tolls? Some trashy muthafucks, that’s who. The only dudes who catcall are of the most disgusting varietal. For me, it’s all cholo youths. Any dude who catcalls is not worth anyone’s time. They are not cool, desperate as fuck, and most likely conservative. Trust me, I’ve date some gross bros before and any of them who would consider catcalling is a stiff pass. Homegirl ain’t got time for that. Plus, if you’re sixteen, please take another hard gander at this aged visage. I’m 27. I’m a feminist. I don’t have time for this grime.