Life is weird. Life is weird because I made the solid decision to move home and start over. Life is weird in that because of this decision Matt is flying out to LA to ride back with me. This all very strange and thrilling and I’m very excited about all of it.
So far, things have been very good between us. We’re making it work for the time being and I’m so excited for him to be here and show him my life. But getting to know someone brand new is sometimes uncomfortable because your initial image of them isn’t who they really are. Not because they’re shady or weird, but that’s just how people are. People are unexpected and your perception of them changes as you get to know them. Matt hasn’t dropped any major bombs on me, but there are things that do come up that make me uncomfortable. He’s friends with this woman and I feel like their relationship is a little too much like they’re dating, but he’s been really reassuring that there’s nothing romantical going on. I have to remind myself that I have many dude friendships so it’s probably similar. Must. Stop. Being. Insecure.
I’m very excited about Matt. He seems like a total gamechanger to me. I’ve never felt this way before and I really like it.
So I met up with that OKC guy, let’s call him Matt, when I was home and let me just say that it was nothing short of amazing. He had broken up with the girl he was dating sometime before and we had an actual date and we hit it off so well. I’m very excited about what will happen in the future. I’ve more or less decided to move home to be closer to my family in the coming month or so and he might ride back with me.
After seeing him four of the six days I was home, we decided to try an exclusive long distance relationship for at least a month. Since I’m more committed to moving home now, we should be fine. The month allows us to decide if we want to keep doing this and allows me time to decide if moving home is the correct decision (which I had already been pretty much there before we met) and to get my things in order. The only reason I would stay now is if some sort of amazing dream job appeared, but I don’t think that’s necessarily going to happen.
From the moment I met Matt, I felt like something was different. He’s very easy to be around and I feel really comfortable with him. He is cute, active, and super smart. He hits all the checkmarks that I’ve previously posted about. Age, height, job, everything. He’s also much more sentimental and open than other guys I have dated and it’s something I realize I’ve needed. He’s so positive and has a bright outlook on life and I need someone who makes me want to be better. I tend to be a gigantic raincloud and I want to not be like that anymore.
Don’t get me wrong, despite how great he is, the distance makes it VERY hard to start a relationship. It’s awkward and you don’t really know the person. We’re figuring it out and so far it’s working. I’m very into him. He’s into me. He met me at the airport before my flight out and brought me a bag of treats and wrote me the sweetest note.
Back in the fall I was messaging this guy at home in Indiana on OkCupid just to see what was out there. I’m still not totally packed in, that slight ever glimmer of hope still lingers. This guy seemed cool and we’ve been messaging back and forth for a few months now. Around Christmas he told me he was dating someone and I appreciated that disclosure. He still seemed cool so we continued to text each other in a friendly way, talking mainly about music and TV. Haven’t once brought up anything romantical or questionable.
I’m going home for a trip tomorrow and we’re intending to meet up. I’m excited to make a new friend. I’m not sure if he’s still dating that girl, but if he is I have no intention of doing anything to compromise that. I intend on showing him that I am so amazing that he’ll want to dump her immediately via text or something. By amazing, I mean I’m disgruntled and bitchy. But seriously, I’m super cool and adorable! A delightful imp, if you will.
All of my friends are telling me that hanging out with this guy is weird. I don’t think so. I think he and I have established a solid understanding of each other and I’m not in the mood to cause problems for other people. He might see me as a sad person who needs friends, which is an accurate assumption. If I do move home, I will definitely need friends. I don’t feel weird about this in the slightest for some reason. I’m a very anxious and awkward person, so this is refreshing. There’s no pressure to try and bang him and I have a new person I can regale with my hilarious stories.
Who knows what will happen? Maybe he’ll bail on me like I did at Christmas (cold weather means this bish ain’t going nowhere). Maybe he’s butt uggs. Maybe he’ll have broken up with that girl and is single and we can just do some yolo-y shit, like run off on some sort of expedition. That would be simply amazing.
Lately, I’ve become the victim of needless catcalling. From whom the bell tolls? Some trashy muthafucks, that’s who. The only dudes who catcall are of the most disgusting varietal. For me, it’s all cholo youths. Any dude who catcalls is not worth anyone’s time. They are not cool, desperate as fuck, and most likely conservative. Trust me, I’ve date some gross bros before and any of them who would consider catcalling is a stiff pass. Homegirl ain’t got time for that. Plus, if you’re sixteen, please take another hard gander at this aged visage. I’m 27. I’m a feminist. I don’t have time for this grime.
I’ve been pondering signing up for online dating for another official go-round. Specifically, I’m looking at Tinder. People can be judgmental about Tinder and how it’s all about appearance. But really, that doesn’t make it any different than OkCupid. I never click on guys unless they’re at least reasonably attractive to me. I’m sure that’s how most people function too. We’re all attracted to looks first, especially through the lens of the anonymous internet.
My trepidation about Tinder is this: I’m afraid I’ll see my neighbors on it. Tinder functions via location-based technology and who is closer than the people who live right next door to me? Since I already threw myself at my one neighbor, I’d be horrified if he or one of his roommates saw me on it and that sat there, on the other side of this wall, snickering to themselves. I already feel enough like an idiot about it, I don’t need that extra shame. SHAAAAMMEEEE. I also haven’t set my OKC account to LA because I’m afraid I’ll see TJ or his roommates on it, which also fills me with shame. I can’t date people because then I get all weird about seeing their roommates. I’m awkward as fuck.
Online dating is still an odd animal. It’s lost a lot of the negative stereotypes, but as someone who sort of rails against technology and still wants real human interaction, I keep trying to meet someone organically. However, I’m a huge shut-in loser at the moment, so nothing’s really working for me. CONUNDRUM.
The statistics for someone getting married in their lifetime, at least once, is something close to 90%. That statistic doesn’t include the age range, but the majority of people in this world will get married at one point in their life. As a single 27 year-old with absolutely no prospects in sight, I try to keep this in mind when I think in the long term of my life. I would much prefer to get married while I’m still young, but I know that I will eventually get married barring some sort of early death.
I take comfort in these stats because I have a lot of things I still want to accomplish in my life such as living abroad, refurbishing my own house, living without roommates, owning a cute pup, and just being able to do whatever I like. I like the freedom to change my mind and figure out where I belong without having to deal with that person’s existential crisis. I have my own perpetual crisis to deal with!
The big problem I find with marrying young is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life still in broad terms. I would like to do so many things and it would be rude of me to tie someone else to my whims. I wouldn’t want someone to take backseat to my desires when I wouldn’t do the same for them. I tried that with TJ and after we broke up I realized that I was incredibly unfulfilled. It didn’t help that he wasn’t the most open and emotional person.
So as I continue to figure my shit out, I remind myself that one day I may actually get married. Until that time I can feed my every whim.
So, I’m still really good friends with my college ex-boyfriend Steve. He works with computers so we usually gchat pretty frequently. I’m a huge gchat user because I’ve honestly got nothing better to do. Anywhoozles, we usually just talk about me and analyze all the decisions I make, which I enjoy because I’m vain as fuck. I’m also very introspective, but whatever. I had a boyfriend, he does whatever, so it’s usually not a problem. I knew he had a girlfriend, but we never talked about her much, partly because we only talk about me me ME. Well, herein lies the rub, they broke up very recently. Does this mean we get back together? I think enough time’s passed that it might work out, but I definitely feel like I would be settling.
I’m not one of those people who I think will find true love. I think, based on my own personality, I’d do better just with someone who I don’t think I’ll absolutely hate in twenty years. Steve’s someone I’ve known going on almost eight years now. (That thought is mind-boggling.) It just seems too easy, that I haven’t sought out someone who would suit me better. We’re compatible as friends, but I can’t decide if that’s something I want to settle for.
I spend a lot of time writing this blog, but I don’t particularly believe in romantic love. I constantly joke with my friends that I’m more likely to just up and marry someone in a true YOLO moment. I am not opposed to that. I also have a lot of other things I’ve envisioned for my life that haven’t come to fruition yet and I want to happen before I get married.
In case you’re wondering what those things are, here’s a neat list of how I’ve planned my hypothetical life to go:
1. Get job in advertising.
2. Work at said job for a bit and save some money.
3. Move back home and get job in advertising.
4. Use saved money to buy a garbage house and refurbish it with my own two hands as my adorable dog looks on.
5. Get knocked up and single mom raise an adorable baby.
6. Maybe get married.
This is a very fool-proof plan.
I’ve been single and really not even on the market since September. I am still adamant about not pushing things and letting my life take a natural path. There are a few things I do miss about being in a committed relationship with someone. So, here they are in list! form! because! we’re! too! dumb! to! read! articles! anymore!:
10. Having someone with a different background than you force you to try new things. TJ was Asian and a “foodie” so I was introduced to really weird and delicious (sometimes not delicious) foods.
9. Someone to make out with whenever I want.
8. Someone to have sex with at all times.
7. Someone to text stupid stuff to.
6. Someone to snuggle with.
5. Someone to give me back and leg rubs whenever I goddamn desire.
4. Someone to buy food for me on occasion.
3. Someone to tell me that I look pretty and I know they’re not being weird.
2. A default person to see dumb movies with.
1. The big thing: Someone to force to hang out with you whenever you’re bored.
Number one was a big thing for me this weekend. I really wanted someone I could hang out with and they would more or less be obligated to do so. I need constant company and entertainment sometimes. I’ve spent the whole weekend bored and barely left my apartment. I lead a sad late-twenties existence right now ya’ll. I’ll get out there soon enough!
My desperation level is hitting its apex. I’m starting to go bonkers. I need to take it to poundtown or a hardcore make out sesh. I’m pretty sure I could get this guy I know, let’s call him Casey, to have sex with me. We’ve know each other for a little while and I know that I would just want sex out of him. I suggested this to my friend Jenn and her advice to me was to be coy. Being coy is definitely something I don’t know how to do. This is glaringly obvious from my terrible neighbor debacle. I am positive on what I want in my next relationship and it is not what I’m finding in the guys I currently know (with the exception of this one guy). I don’t like games and I don’t like to wait. I’d rather just get to it than do all the formalities of being proper. I used to not like guys who came on too strong, but now I welcome it.
The one guy I would even consider being coy around might even have a girlfriend. I don’t know! I can’t figure him out and we don’t spend a lot of time together. I’ve only spoken to him briefly and I do not know how to go about getting him to like me. Let’s call him Aaron. I have no idea what’s going on with him. I’m fairly positive I’m only attracted to him 1) because he is super cute 2) I have nothing better going on. From what I know of him, we wouldn’t be compatible long term. He’s the only person that I can’t see myself walking up to and propositioning. Why???? Do I actually want to date him? Is it true love? How will I know??? How do I be coy and get the guy I actually want to get to know better?
On Thursday morning my friend, let’s call him Brent, asked me if I wanted to go see a movie on Friday night. Brent is someone I talk to occasionally, but not particularly often and I’ve never hung out with him alone. He’s sort of a sad, lonely nerd so I try to invite him to comedy stuff when I can. I thought nothing of if when he asked if I wanted to go to the movies. I figured he just needed someone to see it with as all of my friends had gone to see it without me too.
It wasn’t until almost time to meet that I realized I had been tricked into a date. I drove up early to hang out with another friend of mine in the Valley, as to beat traffic. (Which it still took me over an hour. Fuck you, LA.) While discussing the situation with my mostly gay friend Kevin, I realized far too late that I may have been tricked into a date. While Kevin and I were eating some delicious Hot n Spicy McChickChicks, I received a text from Brent asking if he should buy the tickets ahead of time. I said yes, because I wanted to make sure we got good seats. He then asked if I liked to SIT IN THE BACK OF THE THEATER. WHAT ARE WE FIFTEEN YEARS OLD? When I saw that message was like, oh goddammit. I promptly texted back that I prefer to sit smack dab in the middle of the theater, which is the truth. I am not attracted to Brent at all, he’s a nice guy, but honestly I feel just a little sad for him. I know he needs friends and I’m more than willing to be his friend, but that does not mean that just because he is nice I have to date him.
So the time comes and I get to the theater. Brent is waiting outside for me and we immediately go in to our seats. In order to diffuse and potential of a romantical thing happening I keep blabbing on like an idiot. MUST FILL ALL SPACE WITH DISCUSSION OF NON-DATE THINGS. Thankfully, the movie starts and it’s good.
When the movie is over, I feel supremely awkward because I don’t want to do anything to mislead him so I say I have to leave. He had mentioned he was hungry and I felt like a total bitch because I didn’t say I would accompany him somewhere. Which, if this had been just a friend situation without any sort of romantic undertones, I would have totally gone and hung out. Since it had been switched to a quasi-date, I had to avoid the situation as much as possible. We walk back to our cars and I pay him back for my ticket. I offered and he started to say that I didn’t need to pay him, but I think by that time he had realized that I had laid down the law on the situation.
I felt really dumb that I hadn’t realized I had been tricked into a date until so late. I have a lot of male friends and I see them only as friends, so I generally think nothing of it. This is also not the first time I’ve been tricked into a date.